- Arts & Literature
- Science & Technology
By Alex Lynchehaun
I am the deathbringer of Satan. I am the Spirit of Vengeance; the fiery darkness that envelopes sin wherever it may be, I am the man with a soul of Hellfire. I am Ghost Rider. And nobody invited me to be in the Avengers.
Tony Stark, the dirty alcoholic, laughs at me every time I pass his ludicrously oversized house. He smirks as he shouts out the figures from his last two films, and then asks if I’ve had any luck with Eva Mendes. Of course I haven’t and he knows it. It’s easy for him. His perfect fucking beard and his casual arrogance means that he’s nailed Pepper Potts and definitely had a fling with Black Widow. I can’t remember the last time I rode anything other than this hideously uncomfortable motorcycle. I’d love to fix him with the Penance Stare, watch as he feels the crushing weight of all his sarky comments come down on him, but I can never see his goddamned eyes when he has that Iron Man mask on.
I found out yesterday that Captain America is in the new Avengers film. Are you serious? The guy has had one movie, where he fucking died at the end, and he gets in on the gig. I had to overcome my inner evil and face the hordes of Hell, symbolising man’s eternal struggle with his inner demon, while he had to struggle against being a 7 stone runt that magically gets biceps the size of my head and a shield. His film got positive reviews while mine was rated worse than the Spiderman where Peter Parker decides he’s turned into a jazz emo. I have a chain that sets on fire, and a bike that can ride up buildings. Your move Cap. Oh you can punch punching bags really hard. Well done.
The Hulk? Someone is pulling my leg here aren’t they? Nobody watched his first movie, mainly because it had Hulk dogs in it for some reason, and then the whole cast left. Look, my film did better than his. And his second one was just him blowing stuff up with a Hulk Smash. Look, I know he had that badass fight against sonar pulse cannons, and that boss fight against Abomination that was really exciting, but do you know what else was exciting? Me. Giving eight different people the same Penance Stare as I gently stroked their faces with my skeletal hands. Same thing. I mean come on, the Hulk can’t even speak English.
Black Widow. Yeah, ok, I got no problem with that. I’d show her my Johnny Blaze. Look, at least the team is looking up…
Hawkeye. HAWEYE?! Whichever moron (I’m looking into your one working eye, you jackass, Nick Fury) put this team together clearly doesn’t understand who Hawkeye is. You realise he’s an archer, right? An archer who uses a bow and an arrow? He’s Katniss Everdeen except he hasn’t got his own film. Look, I get that Iron Man can fly, you rate Thor’s ability to cast lightning over my ability to melt tarmac with my bike (thus causing a fatal inconvenience to villains who use road transportation), but Hawkeye? Why? Please, just why?
I’m asking all of you at Marvel. Why? I have a good character bio, I’m interesting and dual natured. I’m far more than your normal hero.
Fuck you all. I’m going to see if the Justice League wants me.