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By Agony Lad
I’ve done it! I’ve finally finished finals. Problem is, after 8 weeks reading about Plato, I can’t remember what a top day on the lash is like. How does a true lad celebrate the end of an era?
L.A.D. Anyone who’s spent the last few days dressed as a closeted Victorian bondage enthusiast without drowning in a pool of their own sweat has my eternal respect. If you haven’t got a bottle of champagne in your hand go get one now. Then cruise into the library, shouting loudly about how it was “a breeze”, demolishing your book fort in a free-for-all book fight, and generally being a nuisance. Don’t forget to swear at the Dean on your way out – what are they going to do about it? Head on to Camera, remember how shit it is, chunder (everywhere) and head home. Cap it all off with some nookie in the Principle’s rooms.
Have you heard of the Oxford Fox? It’s this great satirical website I’ve created which is really, really funny and its all about Oxford! Why don’t you join us?
You’ll only see Agony Lad on the Oxford Fox over my cold, dead body (i.e. no). I had a browse of your website, noting all that incredibly original and inventive stuff you’ve done (Hitler to Speak at the Union.) That’s meant to be sarcastic by the way, something you guys clearly haven’t heard of. Your satire has the feel of some dweebs who’ve desperately need to get laid, but just can’t make it beyond first base. Not to mention been rejected by all the real student publications. Satirise that.
Dear Mr Lad, your newspaper seems to be completely obsessed with Wadham College, with endless stories about its tiring left-wing politics and ironic hipster twats. Why can’t you cover the rest of Oxford?
Well it’s definitely not like our editor is using the paper for personal vengeance or anything. Definitely not. I agree with you, there’s way too much focus on the most-unladdish inbabitant of lad-ham but let’s be honest there’s sweet FA to talk about right now. Have a great summer!
This column’s been getting a bit tired in recent weeks, isn’t it time you took a break or left university or something?
Do you know how difficult writing this column is? Every bloody week, scraping the bottom of the Oxford barrel; the sexually frustrated, the wannabe lads, the downright odd. Sometimes I wish I could make it all up! Not to mention the crushing anonymity, having all the hot girls say how they’re desperate to get with Agony Lad, and not being able to say a thing (sometimes the best tactic). It’s not a job for the faint hearted. Or anyone who values their dignity.