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By James McKean
Facebook is a blur of horrendous self-adulation; ‘GOT INTO (insert establishment here)!!! YESSS!!!!’ screams one status, ‘(Insert establishment here) HERE I COME!!! =)’ crows another. The successful update their profiles, monstrously prematurely, just to remind everyone which course they will be taking… in three months’ time.
Meanwhile, the unsuccessful cry on their mothers’ knees, assuring them it was always their dream to study Golf Management and Spice Girls Studies at the University of Outer Slough. Or perhaps they ring some friends to reveal the details of this surprise Gap Year they had always been planning.
But, for the lucky, the despair of their fellows only makes their triumph all the sweeter. And so, the Oxford Student has plucked a future Oxford student from the throes of their jubilation to get an inside look at the cohort of Oxford 2012.
The OxStu: So, did you get your results?
Generic Fresher: Hell, yeah, baby! Three As! Wooo! Oxford 2k12, get ready!
The OxStu: How are you feeling?
Generic Fresher: Just, like, sooooo excited. So happy. Best day of my life.
The OxStu: Quite. And I suppose you plan to celebrate by tipping overpriced poison down your throat and then making sexual advances on a complete stranger that border on molestation?
GF: Better get some practice in for Freshers’ Week!
The OxStu: You are aware that you will probably be set work in Freshers’ Week?
GF: What? No way! Is the workload that bad?
The OxStu: It’s Oxford, what did you expect?
GF: Oh, God. I bet they make us wear stupid gowns as well?
The OxStu: If you don’t like work or gowns, I wonder if Oxford was an ideal choice for you.
GF: And will I get bullied for not going to Eton?
The OxStu: Of course not! As long as you can trace your ancestry back to the thirteenth century, you’ll be fine.
GF: Really? So poorer people don’t fit in at Oxford?
The OxStu: Of course they do! We love the plebs. They make excellent targets when the grouse are out of season.
GF: Right… If you’ll excuse me, I think I might go and give Bristol a ring…
The OxStu: I’m joking, you gullible loon. Amazingly, all the stereotypes you see in the media aren’t one hundred percent accurate. Most people here are vaguely normal. Most of us don’t travel by litter, read Aristophanes in our free time and own a race horse called Blancmange. What you saw on Young, Bright and on the Right is almost all complete rubbish. Except the part about dashing OxStu journalists fighting for truth in a world full of darkness. That was true. But, seriously, all the effort the University puts into access and improving its image… We might as well have taken the money and got Joe Cooke a decent haircut.
GF: Well, that’s alright then.
The OxStu: And, if you ever need any more tips or advice, be sure to check the website of this fine newspaper.
GF: That’s a bit of shameless plugging, isn’t it?
The OxStu: Shut up and go and get smashed, you little imp.