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By Matthew Handley
14.05- It’s been a tumultuous few weeks for English football. John Terry retired from the international game for good. Rio still sits by the phone, forlorn, waiting for Woy to ring, only for it to turn out to be PPI insurance again. And Ashley Cole took to Twitter to call the FA hierarchy a ‘bunch of twats’. Nice. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any tougher for Hodgson’s boys, they’ve got to face the mighty San Marino tonight. And you can follow every step here.
14.08- San Marino’s international record isn’t exactly what you’d call glowing. Played 112, Won 1, Drew 4, Lost 107. 19 goals for, 467 against. Anything less than an absolute tonking from England tonight would be an absolute embarrassment. But then again, San Marino have posed England problems in the past…
14.11- I refer of course to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKDh04AN-Us When San Marino went 1-0 up after 7.8 seconds against Graham Taylor’s England. Whilst the Three Lions eventually went on to win the match 7-1, it still wasn’t enough to help them to the 1994 World Cup (and made Davide Gualtieri a national hero in the process).
14.13- With Wayne Rooney captaining the side for the first time tonight, there are plenty of interesting subplots to tonight’s game. But let’s be honest- we’re all hoping for a cricket score. And you can follow every step of the action from around 7pm tonight, as I bring you all the news, views, action and reaction, live from the St Hugh’s JCR. Expect sarcasm, bold claims from the likes of Arie ‘I’d Rather win the Community Shield than Olympic Gold’ Jamal, and frazzled keyboards as I try in vain to keep up with the action whilst still making disparaging comments about Adrian Chiles’ face.
14.15- You can also join the discussion online, by tweeting me @matthandley92, with the hashtag #oxstusanmarino. GET INVOLVED.
16.27- BBC reporting that Baines to start ahead of Cole tonight. Hardly surprising giving Baines recent excellent form and Cole’s comments; pre-match handshakes with FA dignitaries are a bit awkward at the best of times, but it’d reach post-Bop brunch levels of floor-staring given Cashley’s tweeted that he thinks they’re all bullshit-talking twats. Let’s hope Leighton smashes it, always rated him incredibly highly.
16.39- Yeah, also, we don’t have that fancypants auto-refresh thing that Dan Lyons has on the Beeb website, so you have to do it manually. This has the twin bonus of letting you see the updates as they flood in and artificially inflating our hit-count, so everyone’s a winner, yayy!
18.56- Time to battle my own incompetence, faulty internet, and, most intriguingly, ‘Oxtoberfest’ which is going on in the JCR, as Hugh’s Sam Harris and Mark Jamieson both turn 21. Integrated commentary of international football and a massive party; surely an OxStu world first.
18.57- I’ll also be partaking in Oxtoberfest, so expect limited coherence as the game progresses.
18.59- Attack minded line up from Woy. Which is good to see, considering we’re playing a pub team
18.59- Everyone always says ‘we need to show San Marino respect’. That’s nonsense. They’re crap. The entire country couldn’t fit inside Wembley, they’ve scored 19 international goals in their history, and if we don’t put 10 past them it’ll be a complete embarrassment.
19.02- I’m joined by expert pundit Jean Andre who’s predicting a 5-0 victory.
19.06- Still waiting on coverage to get going. Emmerdale farm still currently dominating proceedings. Pish. Zac Dingle at centre-back would be a force though.
19.10- In U-21s news, England currently locked 0-0 against Serbia at Carrow Road.
19.30- Chiles’ Shrek-esque face is on screen. Let’s rock and roll.
19.30- Terry/Cole based montage on screen now. We need to try and attach some drama to what should be a complete steamrolling.
19.31- Keane. Dixon. Southgate. The dream team. Keane looks unamused as ever.
19.32- Southgate looks happy to be out of the house. Gaz mocking San Marino, wanting them to have to pre-qualify.
19.33- ‘Let’s have a look at the San Marino side’. Derisory laughs. Number 3. Is a footballer. Accountants, students, barmen and furniture salesmen crowd out the team.
19.33- Dixon after a steamrolling. Stealing my words, the whopper.
19.34- Big game on Tuesday v Poland. Dixon says they’re a ‘different kettle of fish’. The clicheometer goes into overdrive.
19.35- Gareth doesn’t have a problem with social media. Good boy. You shouldn’t either. @matthandley92, #oxstusanmarino. GET INVOLVED.
19.35- Lads in the studio on banterous form, expecting a crushing. Classic ’93 clip, with Turnip Turner looking utterly shellshocked.
19.36- Andddddd it’s the ad-break. This is why I detest ITV sports coverage. England games with Lineker, Hansen, and Ian Wrightwrightwright going mental when lil’ Shaun scored. Those were the days.
19.40- Shrekface gets onto St George’s Park. Big day for English football. Also excellent for Women’s game, integrates facilities and brings the professionalism and experience of the men’s side closer together. Should be promising for what is an already excellent Ladies’ side.
19.41- How should Terry be remembered ‘a great… a leader’. An adulterer? A racist? The FA suggests so.
19.42- Rooney sounding incredibly professional in the interview. Big night for him as captain. An easy game for sure, but a chance for him to display his leadership qualities. Roy Hodgson forlornly asking for us to stop talking about JT-gate.
19.44- Updates will be sporadic at best.
20.10- Back from cake. Still 0-0. Theo almost injured. San Marino holding out after 10 minutes gone.
20.11- Walcott limping off. Lennon on. Wenger will be pisssssssed
20.11- Walker feeds in Cleverley, but the San Mariners’ keeper is over it like an abolute rashhhh.
20.13- Corner for England. Baines whips it in, deflects wide off Rooney’s piper potato head.
20.14- Excellent period of possession for the San Mariners. Counted 18 seconds there. BIG PLAY.
20.15- This is absolute dross from England. San Marino being made to look like a solid defensive outfit rather than the hodgepodge of amateurs and barmen that they are.
20.16- Walker loses it. Student to barman. Barman to furniutre salesman. Attempts pass to accountant but the move breaks down. COME ON SAN MARINOOOOO.
20.17- Welbeck wraps a long leg around an aeiral ball. Attempts the knock on, but Ox loses it to a bagel entrepeneur.
20.20- This is shit, isn’t it.
20.21. Rooney tracking back to the halfway line. Against San Marino. Get forward Wayne. Move breaks down as Walker whips in a tasty ball, but San Marino’s keeper/milkman gathers it up gratefully.
20.29- ‘It’s like the Vatican having a team’, opines ‘Bold Claim’ Jamal
20.30- Period of sustained pressure from England, with ball pinballing around box results in a free kick. Predictably, it amounts to nothing. The Holy See live to fight another day.
20.33- Half the JCR thinks its a goal as Cleverly whips in a cross. Rooney flings himself at it, but, under pressure from the Vatican’s teaching assistant/centre back, he heads just wide.
20.34- England are getting closer. Carrick smacks the woodwork from 25 yards, before Welbeck, struggling for balance somehow managed to hit the post from 6 yards out.
20.34- ENGLAND PENALTY
20.35- Welbeck draws the keeper in and is clipped down. Clear penalty
20.35- GOAL ENGLAND 1-0 SAN MARINO, 34 MINS, ROONEY
20.35- The captain finally gets the home side off the mark, as Rooney smashes it home from 12 yards
20.37- Time for the floodgates to open, surely. Wembley should be looking like Atlantis come full time.
20.37- GOAL ENGLAND 2-0 SAN MARINO, 37 MINS, WELBECK
20.37- Lennon slots across the six yard box for the United striker to flick it cutely into the net in a goal reminiscent of his winner against Sweden at the Euros. Rout on!
20.40- And we have a Mexican wave. After the revolution, Wembley shall be equipped with snipers to take out any morons who attempt to start that facile show of pseudo-enthusiasm.
20.47- The first half is meandering to a close. England look disinterested. As am I . Time for a beer. Will see you in the 2nd half.
21.11- 2-0 up and England have given up hope. As have I. At least there’s a guy dressed as a bottle in the Hugh’s JCR. He’s planning on going out later. Where? Wahoo- ‘They let anyone in’
21.12- I’m joined by expert pundit Luke Jones, a second year in Colouring In- ‘I haven’t really got any thoughts presently’. Standard Geologist.
21.13- Luke’s interesting fact is that the majority of Welbeck’s goals have been backheels. You can tell he’s a Geologist by the fact that that passes as interesting…
21.14- Aaaaaaaand the birthday boy is vomming in the JCR. Sam Harris- in the words of Andy Gray; ‘Take a bow son. Take a bow’
21.16- England pressure currently translating to absolutely nothing. CORNER FOR ENGLAND, YAYYY.
21.16- I briefly hand over to colouring-in 2nd year, Luke Jones, as I go for a wee. God help us all…
21.19- Jones tags Handley back in.
21.21- Whilst we wait for something interesting to happen, I give you all this delight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkyHo-oPOEo You’re welcome!
21.23- Baines goes close with a curling free kick. Decent game for the left back. Although, if you’re having any less than a ‘decent game’ defending against this mob you should give up football.
21.24- A huge eruption in the JCR as Jonjo Shelvey, the future of English football, the white Pele, the bald Messi, warms up for his debut for the national side. Big moment. We’re about to make some FUCKING HISTORY HERE PEOPLE.
21.25- The Holy See XI go close. THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A SHOT.
21.25- Carrick, the benign tumour on the testicle of English football trudges off. On in his place- THE MIGHTY, THE UNDEFEATABLE, THE POWERFUL, THE MAGIC, THE LUDICROUSLY BALD JON JO SHEL VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY
21.26- Shelvey on the ball, such composure with it at its feet. He doesn’t just pass that ball, he makes slow, passionate, delicate love to it. This is too erotic for terrestrial TV.
21.28- Jonjo Shelvey there, with the Wembley lights bouncing off his perfectly round skull. A beacon of pure footballing perfection
21.29- GOAL ENGLAND 3-0 SAN MARINO, 69MINS, WAYNE ROONEY
21.29- Crossfield ball from Shelvey, via Lennon finds its way to Rooney, who expertly curls in from the edge of the area. He doesn’t celebrate though, he ushers the players back. He’s hungry. Hungry for goals.
21.31- GOAL ENGLAND 4-0 SAN MARINO, 71 MINS, DANNY WELBECK
21.31- The introduction of Shelvey has galvanised this side. Sure he has no actual involvement in this goal, but nonetheless… Welbeck neatly finishes from about 6 yards from an excellent Cleverley ball. Also, with that goal not being a backheel, Luke ‘OPTA Index’ Jones sees his stat fly out the window
21.33- Joe Hart becomes captain with Wayne’s absence. But I think everyone knows that Jonjo is running this show. He drags a timid shot ludicrously wide. lol.
21.36- Jonjo kicks the football. As is his way. Heroic.
21.36- GOAL- ENGLAND 5-0 SAN MARINO, ALEX OXLADE-CHAMBERLAIN, 77 MINS
21.37- Steamrolling. I don’t think I’m conflating correlation with causation when I say since Shelvey’s introduction this has become incredibly one-sided. Cleverley battles through the box, only for the ball to fall to the Ox to clip it in with a sweet finish from 10 yards.
21.39- Cute child gets a ludicrous amount of screen time. Hugh’s Men’s welfare Ollie Persey suggest this match should be turned off, saying ‘aren’t Spain beating Ireland or something?’. Silly boy.
21.40- Shelvey plays a tasty 40 yard ball across to precisely nobody. What a hero.
21.41- Jonjo skims the builder and quantity surveyor at the heart of the Vatican’s defence but shoots straight at the keeper from theedge of the box.
21.48- Fans leaving digustingly early. After the Revolution the turnstile swill be meat grinders until the fulltime whistle
21.48- I’m now joined by beer-bottle/expert pundit/tech wizard Lee Stohert: ‘The JCR’s buzzing, very little hype about the football. The Ox has been average. I am a big dirty Manc’
21.50- NINETY NINE RED BALLOONS rings out around the JCR. Big night, big night.
21.52- As the refrains of Nena ring around the JCR, Harris and Jamieson both throw their guts up into a bin, and Jamal makes big claims the match comes to a close. A routine win for England, a solid performance, and a big night on the cards. To those of you who joined, thank you, I genuinely appreciate it. We’ll meet again. Until then, enjoy tonight and Matriculash. Hugs and kisses from your Sports Editor, and I’m sure we’ll meet again. Woy’s Barmy Army march on…
21.54- FULL TIME, ENGLAND 5-0 SAN MARINO. THAT’S A WRAP. LET’S AVVVVVVVV IT.