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By Agony Hipster
Dear Agony Hipster, I work for the Kashmiri Earthquake Disaster Fund and we could really do with some publicity. Can you help?
Oh my, like, God! That was the biggest tragedy since chavs got wind of Alt-J. I can’t believe that something so bad could ever happen. After Kony 2012 and that volcano thing, Africa totally didn’t deserve it. My girlfriend is making friendship bracelets and natty knitwear to raise money for worthy causes like the Fund. Sending good vibes from my Turl Street Kitchen armchair.
Agony Hipster, there’s a girl at college I want to impress, but she never seems to notice me. What can I do?
Pretend you don’t notice her either. When she passes, appear too nonchalant even to look up. Try to catch her eye in less hackneyed ways than through eye contact – start peacocking by growing a patchy moustache and smoking roll-ups. Write some angsty poetry expressing your feelings, but don’t actually show it to her – that would be too earnest.
Ever since Agony Lad got rusticated, I’ve been struggling to bust out any new dance moves in Park End. Without his Gangnam Style guidance, I’m reduced to bobbing my head up and down to the music. How can I improve my repertoire?
Sounds like you’ve come down with a bad case of pre-irony. If you really must go to Park End (there’s a much better place on King Edward Street called Babylove – it’s pretty underground), then make sure everyone knows that it’s too mainstream for the likes of you. To ingratiate yourself with the revellers, mockingly mimic their dance moves to demonstrate that you’re on a higher cultural plane than them. Gyrate, mouth, pout: the possibilities are endless.
Ever since Andrew Mitchell made it mainstream to call someone a “pleb”, I’ve been struggling to find original ways of disparaging people. Agony Hipster, what insults do you recommend?
Reserve your worst pejoratives for those who have committed the worst crimes. Being mainstream is one of them. Your housemate listens to Razorlight and actually likes them? Ugh, she’s so Calibri. These über-lame people are so pre-ironic it hurts. Anyone who wears Hollister clothing is instantly lame. I’ve got a long list of appropriate insults for these sheep of capitalism on my MacBook Air™.
I’m a History student, and now that our library has been relocated, I need to start working in the Rad Cam. However, I’m finding it pretty intimidating, as everyone there is so well-dressed. How can I look my snappiest?
To cultivate a look of not caring, spend hours rifling through clearance racks for the foulest knitwear you can. You want to look totally Bauhaus. Pair ironic tees with post-ironic jeans and you’re onto a winner. Failing charity shops, ASOS is always a good bet.
Something getting your hand-knitted knickers in a twist? Catch our tame hipster at email@example.com . Or send a carrier pelican (because carrier pigeons are too mainstream).