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Corpus tortoise fair gets fast and furious

Corpus Tortoise Fair witnessed a tortoise-on-tortoise “assault” this Sunday. 

The Corpus’ tortoise’s misdemeanour against the Regent’s contender disqualified it from the race. Emmanuelle, who recently celebrated her 111st birthday, remained unharmed. She was later spotted celebrating with her fanbase. 

The race champion was past winner Zoom, of Worcester College. Closely behind was Shelley, also Worcester, and Emmanuelle from Regent’s Park College. 

One onlooker was heard commenting that Zoom looked like it was “on speed” it was so fast. The traditional human tortoises were also present, this year from Balliol. They could not eat their lettuce fast enough however, as Zoom sped to the finish line. 

Honor Fitzgerald, tortoise keeper for Regents said, “Today was an emotional roller coaster. Watching my baby compete for the first time was the proudest, most tear-jerking moment of my life. I can’t believe she managed third place against such fierce competition. Watch out everyone!”

Will Forrester, who represents Wadham’s tortoise, missed out on a top three spot. When asked about his role, he said: “tortoise keeping – in terms of time consumption and stress creation – is the approximate equivalent of reading a second degree.  

“Dope test evasion consumes me. Training regimes are my life. Owing to Archibald Manshella’s (Wadham, Matric. 2013) failure to succeed today, and, citing the emotional strain and the impact on my work that this has caused me, I will be rusticating with immediate effect.”

A Magdalen second-year commented: “The Oxford turtle talent is so strong that I think we should challenge Cambridge to a varsity match. Shoe the turtle tabs!” 

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