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What should David Cameron have spent his shed money on?

Red Sky Shepherds Huts/Graham Flack

A couple of weeks ago, David Cameron bought a shed for £25,000. A luxury shed. Apparently, it’s so he can write his memoirs in peace, away from his rowdy wife and kids. But just in case he still has the receipt, I thought I’d set out an alternative long term economic plan for him.

Huskies. Dave was famous for hugging huskies in the good old days, before he decided they were green crap. But now that he’s free to virtue signal again, why not hug one every day? £25,000 would fetch him 41.666666 huskies from Romford, in the London Borough of Havering – but luckily, there are only seven puppies for sale, which means he has lots left over for my other suggestions.

Unfortunately though, one of my suggestions is the UK’s Brexit bill and it costs £50 billion. Obviously that’s more than £20,800 (which is what he has left over after the huskies), meaning he’ll be £4,999,979,200 in debt. This might be a problem, so maybe at this stage it’s best not to ask risky questions like ‘Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union’?

Apparently, it’s so he can write his memoirs in peace, away from his rowdy wife and kids

If we stick with the huskies, he still has much to spend. Maybe he could help some of the people who he took disability payments away from with IDS’s work fitness tests. If you’re deemed fit to work, suddenly your unemployment benefit is £29.05 less than it was before: so if Dave decided to make up the difference again for a few people – let’s say 29.05 – then he’d be shelling out £843.9025 for a good cause. (Unless this encourages more people to become disabled so they get benefits, which would be a drawback I think.)

If he wants to be careful about avoiding scrounging, he could do something nice for his wife instead. Theresa May has already shown us all how to spend £995 on a pair of trousers, so Dave has somewhere to start. Even better, he could go down to Gap and buy her 22 pairs of Linen Girlfriend Chinos for the same price. If she’s already sorted on trousers, and fancies dipping into some culture, eBay is offering HUGE BINDI PACK DIAMANTE CRYSTAL FESTIVAL GEM WEDDING BRIDAL WEDDING TATTOO for just £2.49.

He could do something nice for his wife instead. Theresa May has already shown us all how to spend £995 on a pair of trousers

But that’s enough Mr Nice Guy: what Dave really wants is something for himself. As a keen footie fan, what about a season ticket? £627 would get him a whole year’s worth of action at his favourite team, Aston Ham – but just in case he gets all the way to Birmingham and forgets who he supports again, it’s probably best to grab a Birmingham City one too. That’s £552, so in total he’s spending £1,179 on sportsball.

Looks like it’s time to add all that up. If he goes for all of these things, he’s on minus £49,999,999,983,215.3925. If he forgets about Brexit (something he’s extremely good at), then he’s still got £16,784.6075 to play with. If anyone is still reading, then both of you are probably thinking the same thing: where is Dave going to write his memoirs, if not in the luxury shed?

And this is where all of what I’ve written starts to make sense. On hillscoachsales.com, you can get your hands on a 96 Neoplan Cityliner N116/3 50 Recliner for just £8,500. Not only does it make a great place to try and sew back together your reputation with the power of the written word, but he can also take it to Aston City any time he likes. And there’s no need to worry about where to keep seven huskies when you have a coach at the end of your cul-de-sac. They’ll all be onboard when Dave has to drive away from all those angry unemployed people, or his family when they find out he only got them a cut-price bindi.

But there’s more. The 96 Neoplan Cityliner N116/3 50 Recliner seats 50 people. Now, Dave might not have £50 billion to pay for Brexit – but he must know 50 billionaires. There are probably a few from his Latin class. And with £8,284.6075 left to spare, that’s plenty for petrol and all the Birmingham-Ham season tickets you could wish for.

Or, you know, a normal fucking shed.

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