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Treat all sex like kinky sex

I’m increasingly of the opinion that all sexually active people could stand to learn a lesson or two from the shady world of kink. You don’t have to have the slightest interest in ball gags and riding crops to benefit from some of the founding principles that govern kinky activity.

The danger of ‘normal’ heterosexual sex is the assumption that there’s a familiar script for sexual activity which everyone can follow without discussion. The potentially more extreme nature of kinky sex acts means that explicit consent is an absolute necessity. You can’t just start whipping someone if they haven’t given informed and enthusiastic consent to being whipped. Why not? Because that’s illegal. If you’re not into it, whipping is painful and unpleasant. However, for many women, the same applies to oral sex. For plenty of guys, the same applies to testicle play. Lots of people absolutely love it, some are pretty indifferent and for others it’s an actively painful or unpleasant sensation. This is a matter of biology, not attitude. Not enjoying something doesn’t make a person prudish or closed-minded; it’s usually out of their control. You can’t assume that everyone enjoys having clothespins put on their nipples, so don’t make the same assumption about more ‘normal’ sex acts.

You can’t assume that everyone enjoys having clothespins put on their nipples, so don’t make the same assumption about more ‘normal’ sex acts.

At this point, some people get very worried about the PC brigade, the excesses of consent culture and having to fill out forms in triplicate before being allowed to touch their partners. This is the worst kind of slippery slope. Getting consent for what you do in bed doesn’t have to be difficult or unsexy. Smiling and saying, “Would you like me to…” is guaranteed to be more sexy than just going for someone’s delicate parts like a rampaging rhino. Maybe eventually your partner will give you clearance to rampage but until then, play it safe.  On the receiving end, if you like what you’re being offered, it’s best to consent enthusiastically. ‘Yes’ is fine, ‘Oh God, yes,’ is better. If you don’t fancy what’s on offer, try to make a counter-proposal to avoid bringing the whole interaction grinding to a halt. Again, show enthusiasm, but this time for something else: ‘Actually I’d really like you to…’ Your partner might feel a bit insecure about being turned down, so find a moment (probably post-coital) to explain that it’s nothing to do with them, you just don’t like that particular thing.

Smiling and saying, “Would you like me to…” is guaranteed to be more sexy than just going for someone’s delicate parts like a rampaging rhino.

If you find yourself sleeping with someone who doesn’t have orgasms or who doesn’t have a certain kind of orgasms, please don’t make it your mission to ‘fix’ them. At best, it’s wildly arrogant and at worst, it can make your partner feel like their body is inadequate. That said, just because something doesn’t make someone orgasm doesn’t mean they don’t like it – if in doubt ask what your partner wants and be guided by their response. Respect their boundaries and respect your own. Guys in particular can be shy about refusing things in bed – popular culture mostly shows us guys being desperate for any kind of sex, while any qualms are reserved for female characters. I say balls to that. Don’t let yourself get stuck doing anything you don’t enjoy and don’t let archaic gender roles get in the way of having a good time.

Popular culture mostly shows us guys being desperate for any kind of sex, while any qualms are reserved for female characters. I say balls to that.

A final useful idea from kinkland – the delightfully clunky acronym (or initialism, if you’re being pedantic) YKINMKBTOK. In plain English, ‘Your kink is not my kink but that’s OK,’ or ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’. Your sexual inclinations are no more or less valid than anyone else’s. By all means judge others if their behaviour is dangerous or offensive, but don’t judge people for their tastes. Spending time with kinky people often encourages the willing suspension of disgust. Instead of judging activities as gross or weird or boring, you shrug and say, ‘YKINMKBTOK’ (if you can work out how to pronounce it). There’s nothing wrong with dressing up as a fox and getting spanked in a dungeon, nor is there anything wrong with doing it missionary-style in a comfy bed. Away with vanilla-shaming, kink-shaming and shaming of any sort. Embrace shamelessness.

The secret to fun and fulfilling sex doesn’t lie in obscure tips or exotic techniques (I’m looking at you, Cosmopolitan). Spice up your sex-life by being open-minded, non-judgemental and respectful. It may not sound like much, but I guarantee it’s the route to the best sex you’ve ever had.

 

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