academy awards

The 3rd annual OxStu Oscars drunk liveblog

The 3rd annual OxStu Oscars drunk liveblog

REFRESH MANUALLY TO KEEP UP

05:07- Right, that is that. The Oscars 2014 are over, awards have been given out, friendships have been broken, twitter records shattered, many people left happy. If you have been reading this with us, it has been a pleasure to guide you  stutteringly through the awards, and we hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as we have. We might see you next year. Who knows. Even we don’t. Well, have a good night everyone, and keep reading the OxStu.

05:01- Still think it’s the wrong decision. But that is a personal opinion. Wolf should have won it. Wolf actually ended the night not winning a single award. You read it here first, Wolf Of Wall Street in ten years will be remembered more than 12 Years. Also, American Hustle (we think) has gone awardless.

04:59- Steve McQueen seems nervous and happy.

04:57- BEST PICTURE GOES TO 12 YEARS A SLAVE.

04:53- McConaughey can talk as well. In the midst of the drunkenness here, a moment of genuineness. A really great speech about self-respect and knowing how to better yourself. Really well done to him.

04:48- JLAW presents the award for BEST ACTOR. (We bloody love JLAW). THE WINNER IS… MATTTTTTTHHHHHHEEEEEEWWWWWW MCCCCCCCONAAAAAUGGGGHHHHEEEEEEYYYYY.  Who would have thunk it?! The man who spent a decade out in the romcom wilderness has turned up and shown that he is far, far more than just a pretty face. Just let this sink in- this is the man who was in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

04:44 – AND THE AWARD FOR BEST ACTRESS GOES TO: Cate Blanchett. The last of the dead-cert results. It’s all to play for from here on out.

04:42 – DA GAWD Daniel Day-Lewis is here to announce the award for Best Actress.

04:42 – Ellen Degeneres has essentially rendered the stage redundant tonight.

04:37 – Cuaron leaves the stage as the first latino director ever to win the award. Degeneres pretends to think the ceremony is over (it isn’t!), hilarity ensues, and we go to an advert break.

04:35 – BEST DIRECTOR goes to Alfonso Cuaron. Well-deserved and very much expected.

04:32 – “I owe this… to the Oscars” blubs Alex as he sinks another tequila. The most important awards are about to be dished out, but the night may as well be over for your correspondents.

04:28- “He should win an award for Soundest Guy” a quote from one of our bloggers about Spike Jonze. Clearly a lot of love.

04:27- BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY GOES TO ‘HER’. Lynchehaun is so pleased that is physically hurts me.

04:24- De Niro hosting BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY. The winner is… 12 YEARS A SLAVE. What a massive fucking joke. How Wolf Of Wall Street didn’t win is beyond me- ridiculous. I am not even vaguely impressed.

04:16- BEST ORIGINAL SONG- FROZEN. No surprises for the believers.

04:15- Some of us disagree with a previous post. Let It Go is an amazing, amazing song. If you don’t like it, fuck off.

04:14- BEST SCORE goes to Gravity, somewhat inevitably

04:12- Jessica Biel is on stage, whatever happened to her career? Also Jamie Foxx is funny but also a dick

04:10- Is Let it Go a great song? No, it’s actually pretty mediocre, but then again Candle in the Wind is the best selling song of all time in the UK so being mediocre may actually be an advantage in a popular vote.

04:08- John Travolta looks like a vampire, not because he’s eternally youthful, rather that looking in the mirror is an unnerving experience

04:05- Goldie Hawn is genuinely less convincing in this broadcast than she was in Overboard, although more convincing than her daughter’s claims to be a successful actress.

04:04- Nicholas Hoult tweets Bono, from one wanker to another

04:03- Now for a L’Oreal advert. I am truly moved.

04:01- Could there be a greater reminder of mortality than a list of dead people followed by Bette Midler?

04:00- Bette Midler is serenading the dead

03:58- We have PSH, the montage closer

03:57- PSH yet to appear

03:54- Now, to introduce a montage of dead people, Glenn Close, who is yet to die

03:53- In a realisation that has shaken our worlds, Alex Zane is doing better than any of us in the OxStu hub. He is still a dickhead though

03:47- Now for a summer blockbuster montage or, in other words, a montage of movies not good enough to be released in December. Including Top Gun may well be a nod to gay rights in light of Sochi, but it’s still a terrible movie.

03:44- PRODUCTION DESIGN AWARD GOES TO… GREAT GATSBY. Gravity actually loses one… mental.

03:43- Ellen has just come out as a fairy. No pun in any way intended. She’s actually a pink fairy godmother.

03:42- Ellen’s picture has now officially become the most retweeted picture ever. Unbelievable.

03:35- “I want to be at the Oscars so much. Even it was just for something like Best Penis Double. Or Worst Penis Double. I don’t care” A DIRECT quote from one of our bloggers.

03:30- BEST EDITING IS… GRAVITY. Gravity is abso-fucking-lutely cleaning up here. They are smashing the awards.

03:28- GRAVITY WINS BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY. No surprises here at Univ HQ where we all called it. The tequila punishments take a break for now.

03:26- BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY COMING UP. Being hosted by Bill Murray and Amy Adams. Murray gives a shout out to Harold Ramis.

03:21- Ellen is trying to play Jesus and is attempting to feed the everyone at the Oscars. This is not even a joke. She has a pizza guy that she has called, and she is giving out pizza to people in the audience. Harrison Ford has just grudgingly accepted a pizza slice.

03:19 – Back to Alex Zane and his Wikipediesque platitudinous shite.

03:18 – Lupita, like her counterpart in the Best Supporting Actor role, has gone for the all-guns-blazing tearjerker speech manoeuvre. Can’t blame her really.

03:13: BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS goes to Lupita Nyong’o! For once we all called it correctly! Emotions running high in Hollywood and the Univ MCR right now.

03:13 – Christophe Waltz his here to announce Supporting Actress. The tightest contest being announced by the tightest guy.

03:10 – SOUND EDITING GOES TO GRAVITY, as if anyone cares.

03:09 – Prithu’s extended lecture about the amazing sound effects in The Hobbit notwithstanding, Gravity takes sound mixing and the tequila keeps flowing.

03:08 – GRAVITY WINS BEST SOUND MIXING.

03:05 -By ‘we’ I mean Ellen and Brad and Meryl and Julia and Bradley and co, all of who are much cooler than us. Ellen is literally going round taking selfies.

03:02 – Not sure what it is, but Ellen seems to actively hate the Oscar stage. About 90% of her hosting has been from within the crowd. We’re also getting the world’s greatest selfie.

02:59 – No offence to Mandela, from which that song was taken. What do you think about Mandela‘s absence from this year’s awards? Let us know. Or don’t.

02:57 – A large amount of the Oscars’ target audience have presumably never heard of Pharrell, Ezra Koenig or Karen O, and that is the only possible justification for giving these smarmy has-been wankers the stage.

02:55 – U2 ARE SHIT

02:54- Ellen has now changed into a snowflake. She is literally completely white.

02:49- BEST FOREIGN FILM COMING UP- And The Great Beauty wins it. Travesty. Absolute travesty. The Hunt should have won. Only because I picked it, and now I have to drink for getting it wrong.

02:40- Kevin Spacey only fucking comes out and starts his short hosting session with a Frank motherfucking Underwood impression. What a guy. The only thing we’re missing is the Underwood double-tap.

02:40- This guy just thanked his kids and Harvey Weinstein in the same sentence. He has sold out, and he will pay for this in this life or the next.

02:38-BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE is won by 20 Feet from Stardom, condemning the three of us to shots, and Joshua Oppenheimer to eternal obscurity.

02:37- Bradley Cooper may be handsome as anything, but he’s not going to win tonight. The reason I’m saying this is because he’s currently presenting the award for best documentary.

02:33- DOCUMENTARY SHORT goes to the Lady in Number 6: Music Saved my Life, which may or may not be the title of a Chic song.

02:34- Otis’ reaction to tequila shots is quite literally Oscar worthy.

02:33- Or vampiric, for that matter.

02:32- Just to clarify, in an argumentative, not sexual, way.

02:31 – LIVE ACTION SHORT goes to Helium. Prithu and Alex are at each other’s necks.

02:29 – Zane and his fellow English non-entities bitch about the A-listers’ speech-fluffing. We bitch about them. And the inverted food chain of bitterness is complete.

02:28 – Ford, Gordon-Levitt, Watson, Efron, Koenig… all this celebrity is getting a bit too much. And as such we’re back to Alex Zane and co in the studio.

02:24 – Zac Efron ballses up the segue to a lovely performance of… something… by Ezra Koenig and Karen O. We want Channing Tatum back.

02:21 – VISUAL EFFECTS is presented by Emma Watson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (so everyone’s happy) to Gravity. “Quelle surprise” scoffs Alex.

02:19 – And now we’re being treated to an essentially quite arbitrary montage of great Oscar-winning performances of years past. Certainly not a bad thing.

02:18 – Can we all take another moment to appreciate Alex’s Pharrell joke below. Top drawer.

02:15 – ANIMATED FEATURE FILM goes to Frozen. Prithu called it; Alex and I didn’t. Two shots of tequila is what we get for supporting Japanese cinema.

02:14- The director has just thanked the audience for supporting shorts. I presume he’s referring to Pharrell

02:13- ANIMATED SHORT goes to Mr Hublot, which is not good news for the three here at OxStu HQ. It’s time for shots, in honour of Ms Novak

02:12- Kim Novak is smashed

02:11- Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak are a more awkward couple than Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

02:10- If you’ve reassessed and still want to tweet us then please use #oxstuoscarsdrunkliveblogmark3its2014

02:09- If you want to tweet us about the liveblog, then you should probably reassess your life choices

02:08- Nothing

02:06- But seriously, 21 Jump Street is seriously funny. If he and Jonah Hill aren’t best mates in real life then there’s nothing left for me in the world

02:05- Channing Tatum is onstage. Wait a minute while we drool

02:02- Harrison Ford may be an all time great actor, but I think he’s letting it slip a little with these nominations. I’ve never seen someone give less of a shit about anything than he does about Wolf of Wall Street

02:00- MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING goes to Dallas Buyers’ Club; Bad Grandpa has been absolutely robbed.

02:00- Please Bad Grandpa win hairstyling

01:58- BEST COSTUME DESIGN goes to the Great Gatsby. Period drama 1 – 0 Quality filmmaking

01:56- Naomi Watts and Samuel L Jackson may be two truly great actors, but even they can’t prolong a simile between music and films for more than 2 seconds

01:51- Pharrell on stage doing Happy. The song, not the drug. His fucking LUDICROUSLY sized hat is back. WHY?! He’s now dancing with the front row of the audience and is managing not to make it look twee. Fair play.

01:49- Jim Carrey does an impression of Bruce Dern. We love this guy. Borderline admits to doing LSD. We are all massive fans.

01:47- Ellen is tweeting the Oscars. Tweet us Ellen. Please.

01:43- LETO WINS. Of course he bloody does, he was phenomenal in it, fully deserved. His hippiness is kinda weird though.

01:41- BIG AWARD ALERT! NOMINATIONS FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AT THE MOMENT.

01:40- We’re about ten minutes into the show and we are all massive fans of DeGeneres’ hosting. She seems like she doesn’t give a shit.

01:37- Ellen DeGeneres has no qualms about ripping into the seated actors at the Oscar. Particularly JenLaw. And Liza Minelli. My type of humour.

01:33 – Ellen Degeneres is going in hard and your correspondents are understanding very few of her jokes.

01:31 – AND THE CEREMONY IS OFFICIALLY UNDER WAY.

01:25 – Otis has just cracked secret of the evening- the woman judging all the dresses is none other than “that woman from Total Wipeout”.

01:23 – Pun of the evening so far from the women judging the dresses: “She’s just wearing all Dior…and well, it’s just Di-yawn”.

01:21 – Everyone reading this (all four of you), feel free to tweet in about who you think should win. And also which celebrity you hate the most. Anything really. This is what guerilla journalism is all about.

01:15 – Of course the real flashpoint of tonight’s ceremony will be the heated battle for the coveted Best Sound Mixing award, a conflict of near-Crimean proportions.

01:12 – Prithu is currently agonising over his Best Picture sweepstakes prediction. His head says 12 Years a Slave but his heart says Wolf of Wall Street. What do you think, readers? Let us know on Twitter,  or something.

01:09 – Turns out one of the pundits joining Alex Zane for the intervening commentary is the Reviews Editor of Heat magazine. I guess Mark Kermode was unavailable.

01:05 – Otis here again. The red carpet antics are in full swing and it’s getting tricky coming up with interesting things to say about tuxedos.

00:59 – Jared Leto is currently looking as stupid as McConaughey is sharp at the moment, while Pharrell’s decision to wear shorts looks as poor a decision as Napoleon’s 1812 invasion of Russia, without even inspiring the next War and Peace. At least he’s sold his hat.

00:54 – I’ve not seen much of the American coverage but one can only hope that of their 300 million population they’ve found someone more competent than Alex Zane and the guy-who-does-the-show-with-Alexander-Armstrong to host their Oscar show.

00:50  - The rumours are true, Leonardo DiCaprio IS wearing a navy tux rather than a black one, and looking pretty good in it at that.

00:39 – Kevin Spacey is looking absolutely prime tonight. He is an absolute hero.

00:36- If you read our blog last year, you would know that Jennifer Lawrence was considered incredibly attractive. Safe to say, that opinion has not changed in the slightest. She’s also an Oscar winner, so it means that she’s also supremely talented.

00:33- Lynchehaun thinks he has the Oscar categories sweepstakes in the bag. He seems overly confident. I hope he loses.

00:27- Alex Zane is trying to sound like he’s incredibly clued up on all the films. It genuinely sounds like he’s only read the IMDB synopses of these films and is trying to blag it over the next two hours. What an ass.

00:23- It’s actually Prithu here, and over the course of the evening, and just so you can tell, I’ll be the one with the flagrant use of expletives. So get fucking ready.

00:15 – Having watched 12 Years a Slave nary a couple of hours ago (and not having seen anything else but Wolf),  I’m very much cheering for McQueen and co tonight. I’ll hand the reins over to Alex next for his more informed opinion.

00:12 – We’re joining you a bit behind schedule at the moment but not to worry: Sky’s Oscars coverage is currently still in Alex-Zane-talking-head mode, so you haven’t missed anything.

00:01 – Hello and welcome to the Oxford Student‘s 3rd annual Oscars drunk liveblog. Your intrepid correspondents for the night are Alex Lynchehaun, Prithu Banerjee and myself Otis Graham. Over the next couple of hours we’ll be bringing you the latest from the 86th Academy Awards, live as it happens. We’ll be here until the bitter end, or until we get kicked out of the Univ MCR, whichever comes first.

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Patience means prizes

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Following the release and subsequent critical acclaim of Django Unchained, Tarantino’s latest all-action blockbuster set in the grizzly antebellum era of the Old West and Deep South, the name on everyone’s lips isn’t Jamie Foxx, playing the eponymous role of Django with aplomb. Nor is it Christopher Waltz, who won a slew of awards including the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his talented performance. The focus is instead firmly on Leonardo DiCaprio, who put in another fantastically passionate performance as slave-owner Calvin J. Candie and received only another perceived ‘snub’ from the Academy, losing out even on nomination for a supporting actor gong. Fans were outraged, and the question hangs in the air: with so many successful films under his belt, where’s Leo’s Oscar?

Leo DiCaprio is 38, and as of 2008’s Blood Diamond has three Oscar nominations. He’s one of only 39 living actors to pull off that feat, and is the youngest (beating out Joaquin Phoenix by a mere two weeks) to do it. In comparison, Philip Seymour Hoffman at 45 holds the record for the youngest male amongst four-time nominees. The ‘junior’ category of multiple nominees includes ten 45-and-under actors, three of whom have taken home film’s biggest prize – Javier Bardem, Jamie Foxx and the aforementioned Hoffman.

Taking this into account, it seems puerile to say that Leo cannot and never will win an Oscar following Django. It’s an open secret in Hollywood that the Academy aren’t keen on rewarding young, good-looking male stars, and DiCaprio certainly still fits that bill. In fact, there’s rumours abound that his looks are what holds him back from the real accolades. The ‘Jack Dawson’ effect is something people consistently point to, suggesting that no matter how gnarled and wizened Leo gets, he’ll always remind viewers of the lively young boy who fell for Winslet with just a flash of his piercing blue eyes. In reality, DiCaprio has more than ably shed the weight of this character in smaller films such as Catch Me If You Can, in which his role as eclectic lead Frank Abagnale Jr, who transitions between personas at a mile a minute, granted him the opportunity to demonstrate his talent and flexibility. Recent gritty roles in Inception and Shutter Island only cemented his reputation as a multi-faceted, interesting actor. So the question is rather not why Leo remains Oscarless, but when he’ll finally get one.

Looking at the star-studded list of later-life Oscar winners puts his ‘snub’ in perspective: Dustin Hoffman was 42 when he won his first, with his fourth nomination. The same goes for Sean Penn, who was 43. Al Pacino was 52, Michael Caine 53, Jeff Bridges 60 and Morgan Freeman 67. All legendary actors and actresses that indisputably deserve their prizes and all had to wait decades for their first tip of the hat from the Academy. Many of these only received Oscars on their fourth or fifth nomination, with Pacino only winning his on the eighth try. Leo’s got a ways to go to match that record, but the fact is he still has plenty of time to do so. He is – and will remain for a good few years – an A-list actor who can command roles in any film he chooses. Alongside Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise (none of whom have yet won an Oscar) he fits the bill of an actor who can pick and choose his directors at will, with Spielberg, Scorsese, Nolan and Tarantino just a few of the all-time greats who he has and will have the opportunity to work with in the coming years. The world of cinema is, in essence, at DiCaprio’s feet.

Whilst it’s tempting to say that Leo’s been shafted for many film roles including What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Departed, Marvin’s Room and Revolutionary Road along with those already covered: Titanic, Django, Catch Me If You Can, Shutter Island and Inception, were he to have received nomination for all of those he’d be tied for the most ever with the imperious Jack Nicholson. His three nominations are very impressive for an actor of his age, and his career at this juncture is a fine accomplishment in itself. DiCaprio need only look to Denzel Washington’s decades of waiting for his Best Actor award that he finally nabbed back in 2002 following twenty years in the business. Leo’s got years of great films ahead of him, starting with The Great Gatsby in a few months’ time, and his mantelpiece will surely start to look a lot shinier sooner or later.

OxStu Oscars Drunk Liveblog

OxStu Oscars Drunk Liveblog

Goodbye lads (and ladies, I’m not sexist), it’s been an absolute cracker of an evening, although the Oscars weren’t much cop. Thanks for reading, if you did. Fuck you if you didn’t. It’s been emotional; it’s been drunk; it’s been live. It’s now over, so go to bed. See you next year.

Oh, sorry, ARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (which won)

Shout out for Mao, who stayed awake for the entire thing, and Jennifer Lawrence, for falling over. Aside from that, nothing to write home about.

It’s all over, and we can finally sleep. Thank god. Thank fucking god (and the pope, who resigns this week, but mainly god)

The big losers? Silver Linings Playbook and Lincoln. Many nominations, few wins.

So who are the big winners? Daniel Day-Lewis, Argo and mental illness, after yet another mind-numbing ceremony.

Ben Affleck is a loveable guy, says Sky Movies. Sky Movies is shit.

Ben Affleck’s on the verge of tears. I heard the Daredevil premiere had the same effect on everyone present.

George Clooney is painfully good looking. Who won again? Oh wait, Argo, YEAHHHHHH

Meta-kidding, Argo actually won

Just kidding, Lincoln won

ARGO ARGO ARGO YEAH YEAH YEAH

Michelle Obama is boring as fuck when you’re drunk and it’s nearly 5 a.m. Argo will probs win. Leave it out M-Dawg

Jack Nicholson presenting best Oscar? Remember this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfQs7WbVse8 ?

Daniel Day-Lewis thanks Abraham Lincoln. Is he listening?

He’s not funny though, is he?

Daniel Day-Lewis went to Sevenoaks school. I’m from Sevenoaks. YEAHHHHHH FUCK YOU. But seriously, he’s a handy actor, isn’t he?

So, Joaquin Phoenix should win, but Daniel Day-Lewis will. Story of my life

Quvenzhané Wallis. What a name

This speech is so shit

We decide. Loser

Lawrence won, but she also fell over? Winner or loser? You decide…

Jean Dujardin is presenting. Where’d the fuck did he go? I guarantee, in 20 years he is a piece of obscure Oscar trivia. Also Daniel Day-Lewis has basically already won best actor, so this is the last interesting thing left. I go Jennifer Lawrence, but what do I know?

Cameron Diaz is so fine in the mask. Also, the channel 4 talking heads are so fucking crap I want to slice my arm off and eat it. Kill me now, you twats.

Shit, we’re down to the big boys (and girls, and women, please don’t claim I’m sexist). GET FUCKING PUMPED LADS. IT’S ABOUT TO GO FUCKING MENTALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

But yeah, that movie belonged to the tiger, where’s his nomination??? I LOVE YOU RICHARD PARKER

Awks, we got it wrong. Ang Lee has won. You heard it here first.

We would all like to apologise for the interesting dip in writing quality since we had a personnel change. We would also like to point out that we know that Seth Macfarlane IS Brian from family Guy, and we know you know. Back to our other writers.

Seth MacFarlane is basically Brian off Family Guy. That’s a good thing, by the way.

I wish Alex Zane would die in a horribly painful manner. Shut the fuck up you fucking dickhead

Alex fucking Zane. CUNT

Adverts. Thank fuck for my fingers.

Jamie Foxx looks so puzzled, and Tarantino is so weird. But we love him here, chez OxStu.

Flight: average cutout, solid screenplay. But Tarantino wins. One more for the OxStu. We’re partying like it’s 1999.

Argo wins, and I cry. My pick was wrong. Will this torture never end? Fuck off Chris Terrio

Dustin Hoffman is so sold, and Charlize Theron so hot. Also, best adapted screenplay is coming up.

Shit is getting real: best Director is coming up and Ang Lee vs Steven Spielberg is a clash of the titans. Alex Zane likes Ang Lee, but he can fuck off. The OxStu has gone Spielberg. He will win (probably).

Skyfall wins Best Original Song. Alex Lynchehaun would like to point out that he predicted this result, and has now broken even. In other news, Adele is crying.

Prithu’s now awake and is greeted with the fullscreen shot of Anne Hathaway. He seems pretty pleased with his timing.

And now for Best Original Song. The dulcet tones of the nominees are providing a great juxtaposition with Prithu’s ridiculous snoring.

From Best Snore to Best Score, and the winner is Life of Pi.

We’re definitely getting more tired. As in Prithu has fallen asleep and is doing a classic comedy snore.

The mood here has darkened for the ‘In Memoriam’ segment. Either that or we’re all just getting really tired.

Lincoln wins its first award with Best Production Design. If it turns out to be the only award it wins, hilarity will ensue.

ALEX ZANE UPDATE: still incredibly annoying.

Best Editing goes to Argo and Lynchehaun’s prediction page gets another tick. He could not be more pleased.

‘No person in the world with a Y chromosome is looking at Anne Hathaway’s face right now.’ Direct quote.

SERIOUS AWARD UPDATE: The award for Best Supporting Actress goes to Anne Hathaway. Quelle surprise.

Actually, there seems to be a tie for the award, and the second award goes to Skyfall. This really is a turn up for the books.

Alex Lynchehaun’s unnerving knowledge of Sound Mixing and Sound Editing helps him pick out Zero Dark Thirty as the winner of Best Sound Editing. His pride knows no bounds.

Mark Wahlberg and Ted (the bear) host the award for Best Sound Mixing. Les Mis wins, and another bear shits in the woods.

Wolverine shows the rest of us that he is indeed much more talented than us. Catwoman can certainly belt a tune too. This is a devastating blow to the self confidence of the Oxstu Film writers. They are now joined onstage by the cast of the stage Les Mis as they sing One Day More.

Catherine Zeta Jones has just come on to perform All That Jazz from Chicago. The audience is suddenly all that more interested.

Best Foreign Language Film has been scooped by Amour. (A)more to follow.

The award-giving has taken a break and we’re being treated to some commentary from the world’s most irritating human, the one and only Alex Zane.

For anyone interested, Jennifer Lawrence is looking absolutely prime.

Best Documentary Feature up now, presented by Daredevil himself. Searching For Sugar Man wins it. Exhilarating.

‘Something just won something.’ Direct quote upon Innocente winning Best Documentary Short

Coming up is Best Live Action Shorts. Like Best Animated Short but more depressing and less fun. Curfew wins it. I can only imagine the weight of this news to all the viewers out there.

Every time that Colin Salmon appears on screen, we have to reminded that he is, in fact, an ‘actor’. Thanks.

Our news editor Matt Handley has, in the spirit of investigative journalism, uncovered this gem: https://twitter.com/HathawayNipples

Les Miserables wins Best Make Up and Hairstyling. We erroneously called The Hobbit. By which I mean we printed the prediction this week, and we all shouted “The Hobbit” at the screen just now.

Anna Karenina wins Best Costume Design. Another shocker.

Advert break, and we’re being forcefully told how great Lincoln is. More of the same then.

Life of Pi takes Best Visual Effects. Bear takes shit in woods.

In what will inevitably be the least surprising moment of the night, Life of Pi has taken Best Cinematography. The cinematographer sounds really high.

Robert Downey Jr. and Samuel L. Jackson having some great middle-aged banter right now.

Paperman wins, so now we might as well call it a night. Brave has won Best Animated Feature Film, in the night’s first upset; Wreck-It Ralph was favourite.

An acceptance speech and some banal comment from Alex Zane later, and we’re getting the nominees for Best Animated Short Film.

In more important news, Quentin Tarantino’s chin is morphing into his neck.

ACTUAL SUBSTANTIAL UPDATE: Christophe Waltz nabs Best Supporting Actor.

Thank God they finished interviewing people about dresses and finally got down to what the Oscars are really about. Which is Seth Macfarlane and William Shatner doing comedy musical numbers apparently.

Seth McFarlane hasn’t seen my boobs. Yet.

Brian from Family Guy is slaying the audience right now.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand after four hundred dresses, multiple tuxes and several variations of black tie, the Oscars have officially got under way.

Actually, Django was pretty fucking badass.- Prithu Banerjee

The Avengers was the greatest film of 2012. Fact. – Prithu Banerjee

Jamie Foxx is looking straight up badass. No joke.

Just had an in depth discussion into Lynchehaun’s clothing schedule and the infamous ‘drying rack’. Fascinating, fascinating stuff.

Adele is about three foot taller than Kristen Chenoweth. I don’t know whether that’s because Chenoweth is a midget or because Adele is a giant.

The fact that Jennifer Garner decided to date Ben Affleck despite working on Daredevil essentially ruins my opinion of her forever.

NEWSFLASH: Jennifer Aniston is wearing a red parachute. Luckily, she’s good looking enough to get away with it.

Apparently Chris Evans has gone for a skinny black tie, which meets with Prithu’s approval. The lucky fellow.

Just checked out the Guardian liveblog. It’s much better than ours, inevitably. Never mind, we’re probably drunker so I guess that makes it one-all. Also, why is Alex Zane still on TV?

I’ve actually had to mute the red carpet chat. The stream of sycophantic, inane small talk is driving me to suicide.

What is Naomi Watts’ accent? English? American? Antipodean? Bizarre.

Apparently the ceremony doesn’t actually start for another 50 minutes. It’s times like these that I give thanks for the invention of beer.

Is Quvenzhane Wallis sweet? Yes? Is she annoying? Yes? Is she still far more interesting than everyone else on the entire red carpet? Certainly. I hope this gets better, fast.

It’s 12:25 over here, and we’re watching the red carpet show. I kind of want to vomit. I’m sober. This cannot end well.

So basically, we’re gonna watch the Oscars, get slowly drunk and liveblog. Join us

Academy Ignored: the films the Oscars missed

Academy Ignored: the films the Oscars missed

The Oscar for Best Picture does not confer greatness on its own. Few would argue that Crash is a better film than Brokeback Mountain, or that Forrest Gump has had more of an impact on pop culture and films than Pulp Fiction. However there is still a sense of disappointment when a truly great film is ignored, a feeling of waste as the Academy chooses the predictable and the mundane over something truly interesting, picking the films with the largest hype machines or the biggest names.

Certainly the roll call of those that missed out is impressive: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was Jim Carrey’s best performance, but was ignored by the selectors. Heath Ledger’s Joker also couldn’t give his film success in the Best Picture category, with the majority of attention (perhaps rightly) focused on his individual performance ahead of Christopher Nolan’s entire project.

The biggest blunders from the Academy come when they fail to see where films are heading though. Toy Story heralded a new era of animated films and wider acceptance of children’s films as serious art, one which saw later sequels nominated for the gong.  British films have also been overlooked, despite The King’s Speech winning last year. Trainspotting wowed critics and defined a particular era of British culture but was overlooked in the American awards show, although the English Patient was a worthy winner ahead of Ewan McGregor’s star turn.

This year The Master joins the long line of great films not to be nominated for the golden statue, ignored by the Academy despite nominations for Joaquin Phoenix, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams. The snub is particularly grating given what has been shortlisted – Life of Pi is defined by its (admittedly impressive) effects, Les Misérables is based on an already successful stage play with a stellar cast and Lincoln is unashamedly patriotic, to the point where you feel the prime audience of the film is the Academy selectors.

The problem is that The Master is a truly special film, one which explores the medium in every aspect, from the expertly crafted cut scenes to the script that played with time and images. Anderson even made sure the texture of the film he used suited his vision, the 70mm widescreen film perfectly matching the film’s longing for a golden age that never quite looks as good in reality as in theory.

How many of the nominated films are that well-crafted? Aside from Tarantino no mainstream Hollywood director has put that much effort into realising their vision this year, yet somehow Anderson’s film has been snubbed not only in the Best Picture category but also in Best Cinematography. It’s as though film is no longer seen as a medium for experimentation. The ‘best’ pictures are those which fit into the traditions and techniques of modern American film, not those which realise their vision in a unique or interesting way.

If Hollywood is to finally recreate the golden age of the 1970s then more emphasis on the art of films and filmmaking in awards nomination is necessary. Certainly the choice of The Artist last year and the nomination of Amour hint at a change in focus from Beverly Hills to Europe and a wider choice of winners.

Oscar nominations: Hugo’s 11 outdo Clooney and The Artist

And lo, it’s that time of year again – an exciting time for we film journalists, as we pore over the list of Academy Award nominations. The Oscars being nothing if not predictable, here’s an overview of the favourites.

The nominations have seen two films stand out – Martin Scorsese’s Hugo netted the most nominations with 11, closely followed by Michael Hazanavicius’ The Artist with 10. It’s The Artist however that’s really being talked up for the big awards. It’s a heavy favourite for Best Picture, although Alexander Payne’s The Descendants has the potential to spoil the party for  Hazanavicius, who’s also up for Best Director. He’s the favourite there too, although that one could be pretty close. Payne and Terrence Malik (for Palme d’Or winner Tree of Life) could potentially sneak it on the night, but the main challenge will be from the veteran Scorcese – his 2007 win for The Departed could stand against him though.

The acting categories could see some surprises. George Clooney is the Best Actor favourite for his role in The Descendants – he’s a Hollywood favourite and despite multiple nominations has only ever received one Oscar for Best Supporting Actor, for Syriana. He faces a potential threat from The Artist’s Jean Dujardin, but it’s Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) that Clooney should really be looking out for – this is, shockingly, the veteran actor’s first ever nomination, and the Academy may decide to reward an acting legend for long service.

There seem to be two main candidates for Best Actress. Meryl Streep (for whom this is an incredible 17th nomination) is seen by some as a shoe-in for her much-praised performance as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, especially given the Academy’s recent form in rewarding biopic roles. She has, however, already won two Oscars, and the Academy may instead decide to bestow the honour on relative newcomer Viola Davis for her powerful performance in The Help.

Christopher Plummer (Beginners) looks a shoe-in for Best Supporting Actor, though there’s a possibility the honour could go to the 84 year old Max von Sydown (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) – the veteran actor is on only his second nomination and has never received an Oscar before. The competition for Best Supporting Actress appears close, looking like it could go one of three ways. Jessica Chastain is perhaps the favourite for The Help, but Berenice Bejo (The Artist) and Octavia Spencer (The Help) should not be ruled out.

Elsewhere, Best Original Screenplay competition seems to be between The Artist and Midnight in Paris (also look out for nominee A Separation – the Iranian film is a heavy favourite for Best Foreign Language Film). The Descendants looks a sure bet for Best Adapted Screenplay – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is its nearest rival, but if you’re looking for a bit of a left-field option, consider baseball film Moneyball, which has been attracting a bit of attention.

The truth will be revealed on February 26th.

David Lynch can leave his cow at home

This week the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences declared new regulations on the famously suspect practices often involved in Oscar campaigning.

A press release this week stated that “prior to the nominations’ announcement (January 24, 2012), there are no restrictions on screening events to which Academy members may be invited” but that “After the nominations have been announced, Academy members may continue to be invited to screenings that have filmmaker participation elements but receptions are not permitted.”

Reaction to the news is likely to be mixed amongst filmmakers.  Actors and directors on the fringes of Hollywood have expressed exasperation in the past about the power big studios are able to exercise in mounting high-profile awards campaigns. David Lynch, the Mulholland Drive director, responded to such studio power in 2006 by sitting on a Los Angeles street corner in a folding chair, accompanied by a cow. This was his low budget attempt to raise awareness amongst Academy voters of Laura Dern. She didn’t end up receiving a Best Actress nomination for her role in his film Inland Empire, but his stand against people like the Weinstein’s who seem to get Oscar nods through their contacts is no less valid.

Whilst Lynch may be overjoyed at the news, many studio heads won’t be. The fierce campaigning of last winter was viewed as excessive by Academy President Tom Sherak who hopes that ‘these regulations play an important role in protecting the integrity of the Academy awards process and the distinction of the Oscar’.

The ramifications of the new parameters are hard to predict. Events such as the DVD release of The Social Network, at which the entire movie’s cast appeared to wine and dine Academy members, should no longer occur. However, the step to outlaw ‘any events featuring food or drink’ is more likely to harm the L.A. catering industry than a film’s awards chances. Veteran campaigners claim that studios are imaginative enough to find ways around the guidelines. Gregg Kilday, analysing the new rules in The Hollywood Reporter, agreed saying the restrictions ‘sound tough’ but that ‘there are still enough loopholes to keep everybody happy’.

Whether the Academy’s new stipulations level the playing field remains to be seen. Hopefully it will provide British, Independent and International Cinema with a better chance at the industry’s biggest prize. The strange decision that “no one individual from the film can participate in more than two panel discussions” could provide an advantage to films like Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy as it has such a large, high profile cast, each member of which can appear twice.

The Academy’s statement comes amid a sea of changes. Executive Director Bruce Davis has recently retired after 30 years and the Best Film category has also undergone a significant alteration.

Next year’s Oscars will take place on 26 February 2012. Eddie Murphy is confirmed as host. Daisy is not invited.

- Sam Poppleton